Today, I am happy. I've been very happy for the last week. A lot has happened to change my whole outlook on my life, and made me rethink some very stupid decisions I was about to make. This last week or so hasn't been all great, there have been some downsides. But still, I'm very, very happy.

Honestly, I was about to give up about having any self-respect. I was about to give up and move to Knoxville with a guy whom is a great friend, but someone I should not be involved with romantically. I was about to tell my parents where they could stuff it (and let me tell you, the place I had in mind was not pretty.) And I was going to just quit my jobs with no notice, and just up and leave.

I WAS.

So Friday (after that awful day on Thursday- my last post), I went to this coffee house. Wired Coffee. The people that own it are great, Matt and Steph. But I don't get to go there often because it's a little bit out of my way. (Like a 30 minute drive or so.) However, I really needed a pick-me-up, badly. So I went. And while I'm there Matt says, "Adrienne, do you have a boyfriend?"
"Nooooo........???" *raised eyebrow*
"Don't be creeped out by this, but we've got a friend we want you to meet."

That's how it started. So they introduced me to Nathan. Nathan being a sweet, moral, cute, ambitious guy, who has got his ducks in a row. He's training to become a cop. He's a Christian. And he's eerily similar to me. Like it gets Twilight Zone kind of creepy sometimes. Needless to say, we hit it off real well. But he had to go to work.
So I left the coffeehouse.
But I came back, presumably for open mic night (yeah, right), because he'd asked if I would be there. I told him I didn't know if I would be. (Because I had originally had plans, with the guy from Knoxville.) But turns out my friend from Knox had to go no contact for some strange reason.

So now Nathan and I are going out. And this one seems solid. Like I can count on him not to treat me like the last one did. Also, I know that he isn't just in this to toy around with my emotions, he's in it for the long run. Which is what I want. Also, he's a musician. And has two steady jobs.

My sisters also visited this week. Which was fun. It was awesome, until my mom and dad came to pick them up.

Mom pulled the, "If you loved me you would live with me."
and the "You know, I'm morally responsible for you until you're married." to get me to move back in. Gotta love manipulation like that. I love my mom, I really do. But if she's going to pull downright shit like that, I have one thing to say, "Mom, I love you, but if you were morally responsible for me you wouldn't have let me move out in the first place. You would be paying my bills, and I would be wearing a freaking bonnet or something like that."

So yeah, this is where I'm at now.

 

Memorial Day was pretty cool. (That was me attempting to be all awesome with my dad's old hat. But it doesn't fit on my large head.) I didn't do much most of the day, except clean my room until it was sparkling. Ok, well it didn't sparkle, that would be weird for my carpet to sparkle. Especially since I hate glitter.

The highlight of my Memorial Day was that my friend Parker and I went to go hang out at, of all places, a McDonald's in a town pretty close to his. (He lives a good 30-40 minutes away, I made it out there in . . . about 15. Go figure.) So we're standing outside, he's smoking, and we're talking having a good old time. (Parker is pretty much amazing, mkay?) And this guy asks for a smoke, which he is given one. Well, we all start talking about things like pets, and trading anecdotes about them. And suddenly the man (who turns out to be a bum) decides it's appropriate to start telling us about his enlarged prostate.

Of course, this made me uncomfortable, and I'm sure Parker was thinking something like, "Oh hell, I do not want to hear about this..." so he starts shuffling on his feet, sure sign of  Adri-let's-get-the-hell-out-of-here-itis. So he looks at me and says, "Well, we have to be going now. Come on." And leads me back to his car, like we're a couple. (I had driven my own car there, and we aren't a couple, so I was massively confused.) And we go to the Exxon and sit at the parking lot there for awhile and just talk about family and what not. Until the tanker guy pulls up behind us, nearly blocks us in, and then taps on the window to tell us to move. So then I had to go home. But that was cool.

And then, last night, I was bored at like midnight, but in a very good mood. So I went to go sit out on the hood of my car and look at the stars. Well, my car was wet, and it was cold because it had been raining all day. So I was hugging my knees to my body, and listening to my Mp3 player. My uncle comes outside, "Hey, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm great! Except my ass hurts, and it's cold. But I'm great!"

And then I went back inside shortly after, and my cousin Josh comes downstairs and says, "You looked like you were about to commit suicide, I was getting worried. I was afraid you'd gone all emo on us."

Yeah, thanks Josh.

The one time I'm like really exuberantly happy about apparently nothing, and everyone thinks I'm about to off myself. Weird.

"Behind those eyes you lie."

I have this heavy, oppressive feeling on my heart. One I can't shake. It won't go away until the problem is resolved.

I tell everyone I don't know what the problem is, because I don't want to admit to them that I have selfish thoughts. Because I don't want them to know that I want something that stands a chance of making me happy, but I'm afraid to try for it.

Afraid...

I feel that way a lot.